God amazes me! Not just like an "Aw, precious!" amazement, but an absolute breathtaking surreal kind of amazement. Nothing in life is suppose to be easy - I know this. However, I also know that as of late - I have been "here" with God, but I haven't actually been there. I have followed the motions, and at times thought I was there, but nothing in me was walking side by side with God.
In reality - I would say I hit rock bottom this weekend. Have you ever had a moment where you were just at your wit's end? I did. Friday night, I was point blank angry and letting God know it. I am pretty sure the conversation went something like this:
ME: I DON'T GET IT! WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSE TO BE ABOUT? YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHETHER YOU WANT ME TO STAY, OR GO! I HAVE NO JOB, NO HUSBAND, NO KIDS, NO FAMILY! NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE CLEAR WITH ME ABOUT SOMETHING IN LIFE? I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING I HAVE PRAYED HAS MET A POSITIVE RESPONSE. I know I'm irrational about this, and I am sorry, but I just need help right now. I DON'T GET IT!!!!!
God didn't give me a clear answer at that point - and mind you the conversation went on with a lot of apologizing on my part and realizing every other word in that sentence was about I or ME, not about HIM! I think that's the step that is so easy to forget in our paths. It's easy to get caught up in the me wants, and the I needs, but it is much harder to get caught up in the God called moments. How many moments have you had in life where you know God has called you to something without a doubt? I have only had two that I remember...I might have had more, but if I did, I don't think I understood God enough at the time to realize that is where He wanted me.
I remember the first - I was on a mission trip in Manaus, Brazil for two weeks doing VBS and working in Favela's(poor neighborhoods). When I was leaving to come home, I was hugging one of the daughters of the missionaries we were staying with and knew that God was calling me to come back the following summer. I ended up there for two months the following summer and it was a lesson I will never forget. The second time, it was for a job change. God was calling me to take a step of faith and leave my position in Atlanta. I remember knowing that God was going to move me to Cincinnati before I even stepped off the plane for my interview. I was confidant that the interview would be successful, because I knew God wanted me here. And for some reason or another, God has called me to be here for a reason. Two and a half years later, my job is no longer, but God still wants me here. I think the hardest thing is not having that same God confidence in the next position.
This weekend - God has given me a sight I haven't had in a while though - He is restoring my soul, where I had let it crack due to unknown anger with Him. I have been busy all weekend - Friday with job interviews, Saturday with a Chris Tomlin concert and Sunday with my first 15k marathon, church, meetings, and small group outings. Friday was my fight with God, Saturday - God moved my soul like I haven't been moved a while - I heard him yelling, calling me back. I heard his voice, like I hadn't heard it in so long...At the concert - Rend Collective Experiment performed the song in the video below, and I love it:
Sunday just brought more joy - God is everywhere, from the sound of a massive group of people running, as their feet hit the ground, their shoes are singing praise to God, from the joys of meeting a new face among friends. God reveals himself step after step and it thrills me...Tonight I was probably most thrilled when a friend came to me and said - I want you to know I have been praying for you, specifically about jobs opening up for you...And what do you know - I had about 5 opportunities reveal themselves last week. I feel blessed to be God's child, and to have such great friends that take the time to listen, to care, to pray.
"I'm running Fast and Free to You, cause you are the movement and fight in me. I'm running Fast and Free to You, because you are my Home where I want to be, come move in me!" - Movements by Rend Collective Experiment
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